What have you done wholeheartedly?
Can you give an honest answer to this question because honestly, nothing came to my mind.
The dictionary definition of the word wholehearted is to be sincere and committed. Other connotations of the word may mean not holding back or being all out, giving your all, giving yourself completely.
But right now, I do not have a recent memory of that feeling of being totally involved or committed.
Of course since I can’t find an answer, I tried to dig a little. I promised several things for this lent and it should be more like a holy commitment or a devotion.
First, I promised to write a blog. Every day. I tried to but as you may have noticed I failed on some days already.
Second, I promised not to watch K-dramas (yes, I am a fan). Why this? Because I thought sacrifices are just for the 40 days. I did not know it’s supposed to be better for until after Easter. I thought, if I stop watching every free time I have and instead write for the blog then I hit two promises. Brilliant, right?
Nope. I got depressed. Maybe it’s like a withdrawal syndrome or something. Then my husband, sweet as he always is, found a loophole. He said, I only promised not to watch kdramas so it means I can technically still watch Korean variety shows, right?
My ears flapped at that. Lo and behold, I got cured!
So, although I feel better after watching some Korean variety shows, I failed at being totally committed to my promises.
When was the last time I was wholehearted about something? Of course I am wholehearted with everything I write on this blog but right now, this still feels like a sacrifice. I guess I am looking for something that I wholeheartedly do because I am passionate about it.
I think I know when that was although somehow it feels like a lifetime ago. Was it really that long ago? What happened?
I was passionate before, so much so that I worked hard for everything that has something to do with it. I was good at my job and I got recognized for it. Unfortunately, the recognition got in my head. I forgot why I became that good. I forgot why I was doing all of it in the first place.
Suddenly it was all about me and about my reputation. I realize now how my world suddenly felt so small, fragile and scary then. One little mistake, one gossip and everything may fall apart. I moved cautiously, I calculated my actions and became suspicious of other people. My world became too much about what others think that I forgot what my real job was about.
My world became suffocating. I lost sight of what is important and it all came crashing down. Not because of rumors or of a mistake I did but because I cannot handle it anymore. I cracked, if that makes sense.
I forgot that I got to that point of being one of the best because I had a purpose, a mission, a desire. A desire not for me to be famous but a desire to serve others. God planted that desire in my heart long before I can even understand what fame or wealth was. He blessed that desire and prepared me for it so I may serve as many as I can. Unfortunately, I forgot to be humble. Pride ate me whole.
Thankfully, it was also God’s never ending, unconditional love that pulled me out of that horrible place. He took me out of the physical space and He is still working on me for almost 4 years now to let go of those negative feelings, clear my unworthy thoughts, throw my pride and to come for Him again.
There is a song that said, imagine yourself as a prodigal son running back to the Father and the Father running towards the son. Somehow, I feel that even if I have caused Him great sadness, I never have to run because He never left me.
In my head, this blog site will be all about giving good news and being all positive. I don’t think it is becoming that way so far. I disliked pouring my heart into journals since I was always secretive of how I feel. I was always felt anxious of sharing my opinions because I might be wrong. Yet here I am. I tried writing about other things but it just does not work, this did, at least for me. Every time I write about something, I realized things about me. So, I apologize if you happen to read this and scratch your head or just smirked. For now, this is therapeutic for me. I hope somehow, it helps you in some way.
I am not sure when I will be able to do something wholeheartedly again or on what activities I will feel that way. But I am sure I’ll get there because I am not alone in this. He’s got my back and He is not done with me yet.
image by Comfreak from pixabay.com