This morning I dreamt of extracting a big parasite from my chest. It’s bigger than my heart, bigger than any bug I have seen and its all bloody. It could pass as a baby alien bug for scary movies.
I never liked bugs very much unless its a butterfly or a dragonfly – even those I do not want to touch. Just looking at pictures of insects makes me squirm. I don’t want to even touch the page, hence the cute ladybug on the picture instead of a scary parasite.
But in my dream, I was holding the big bloody parasite.
It was still moving when I got it off me. If it can scream, its probably doing that. I was giving it to someone, asking him to squash it for me.
What is it?
Apparently it’s what my mind imagines my greed to be.
I was actually half awake during my dream since I already woke up earlier to go to the bathroom. I don’t know why but my prayer that time was for God to take my greed away. I told Him I wanted to do what He wants and to do thay I can’t have my ambitions with me. I even ask Him to take it now before I chicken out again.
I was still very sleepy then and I did not know why I said those things. Maybe there was an earlier dream I do not remember anymore.
Come to think of it, I actually wanted to do it since my post “What Can You Give Up” I guess I was really affected by it because this is my second post related to it (the other one’s “Giving up and Letting go“). I just can’t let go of my ambition.
I wanted the older post to be true but I guess, for my case at least, it is not possible. A conflict of interest. But it is really hard to give it up. I thought then that if I give it up, I don’t have anything to go on with. I mean that ambition has been my life goal for most of my young adult life.
Yet right now, I feel lighter. My head does not feel like exploding anymore. I don’t feel like cheating for wanting to follow Jesus and also get my ambition. I guess, they go opposite directions.
Maybe I can still have those goals come true but on a different path or maybe there is really a better plan out there for me. Whichever it is, I need to trust Him and let Him hold the reins.
I can’t believe I was taking care of a parasite. If you think about it, greed is a parasite eating at your every desire. I still believe God placed our desires in our hearts but if we misuse it for our own purposes instead of His, it can become a monster.
I am not sure if the alien bug was dead. I think I have to step on it myself.
Now that I am awake, I haven’t chickened out – yet. I am trying not to revert back to being greedy – I don’t want another parasite.
Cute ladybug image (not the parasite in my dream) by Jill Hayer from Unsplash.com