Most of us fear death because it is the end. Maybe some are not ready to leave their loved ones. I know some who do not want to die because they haven’t been doing much good to be allowed in heaven.
I can not say I never thought of death. Several times in the course of my short life I thought of it.
When I was younger I thought how easier it would be for me to just end everything so I do not have to go through all the pain I was experiencing then.
But some things held me back: my faith and my family.
Whatever I was going through, everyone in my family was probably feeling as well. It is never easy to adjust when you suddenly have a broken family and you are whisked away from everyone you know so your mom can start over.
To be clear, I do not resent my mom for her decisions. I love my mom and I understand her reasons but it does not make it any less difficult.
As the eldest, having suicide (or suicidal thoughts) will not help anyone. It will devastate my mom and escalate her problems with my dad. It could ruin my younger siblings.
Sometimes though when those negative thoughts are too strong the only thing that kept me from doing anything rash was Jesus.
I know that for Catholics suicide is a sin. I remind myself what good is death if I will gnash my teeth forever?
But, aside from that scary thought is the love I always feel from Jesus coming through for me at every moment I had those negative thoughts.
Somehow despite negativity clouding my head, a voice of reason comes through and I feel like I am being enveloped with peace.
Maybe because even though I was having those thoughts -and because of those thoughts- I am praying. I feel like I was talking to Jesus about my day and what I was feeling.
Does that make sense?
I guess I should be thankful that I was taught how to pray and that I have that kind of relationship with Jesus – like a confidante, a friend who I feel like I can always talk to.
Without those things, this blog will be non-existent.
I made it through those dark times because I have relationships I want to keep with my family and with Jesus.
Life maybe difficult but there is no shortcut to it other than to live it.
Live it with Jesus by your side. Fill it with good and lasting relationships. Live it in such a way that when death comes, you can be sure to be born again in heaven.